Star of the year

J.B. He sat in the back right corner of my 5th period Geometry class. Quiet, but usually smiling...we made silent contact quite often during the lessons. Even though I rarely called on him (I should have more), I tried to often acknowledge that his answers were correct. He would mouth or quietly say the answer (always correct) and I would be sure to make eye contact and smile. He would come in every day, one of the first ones in before the bell rang, asking, "We didn't have homework last night, did we?" in which I would usually reply with "Yes, but you already finished it." He always wore his camouflage jacket, had horrible posture, and was either sad and tired, or happy and goofy. I loved J.B. I won't dare erase his name from my rollbook, even after his car accident two Mondays ago. I barely knew him, but he left something with me, as he did his Spanish teacher.

In a year from now?

I do not know where I will be next year. I do know that I will be teaching. That's what I'm saying now, anyway. Honestly, I haven't had time to think about anything else...seriously...although I have thrown around the idea of starting a restaurant in downtown Yazoo in the once Cheshire Cat antique store with my fellow foodie roommate and writing math workbooks on the side (with the help of some other detail-oriented MTC math geeks...I really don't consider myself that actually ;), but in all reality, I know that I need to stick with what I know and have done and can feel like I've accomplished something everyday.

So now the question is, where? Well, I have a few options.
1. I could stay where I am, teaching where I already teach. Pros: I know the ups and downs of our school, I know the community, I know the kids, and several of them I would get to have again. Also, and most importantly, I wouldn't be leaving the kids and the school...they already have a hard enough time getting teachers. Oh, and I would get to continue living next to the most amazing woman in the world. Cons: Can I do this...again...
2. I could stay where I am, but teach elsewhere, such as Yazoo County (which is a pretty good school from what I've heard) or in Jackson. Pros: new school, perhaps better adminstration and in consequence better behaved kids; if in Yazoo I could save on gas. Cons: Would I be trading apples for apples?
3. I could move up to live with Gramma for a year and teach somewhere in South Bend. Pros: get to know my gramma more than I ever have since I was much younger, get to live in another part of the country and try teaching in a different community with a different culture Cons: I would leave Mississippi...and my friends and students

So who knows. I need to decide soon...I feel too many responsibilities, though. And then I know I need to think about what I'm doing after next year, anyway. Too many possibilities and too many choices. Exciting...and a little scary.

I spoke too soon

Well...I spoke too soon. I hope this week was just a bad week, and that it's not that last week was the one good week... it has been hard, very hard...

I find myself getting angry all the time. I didn't used to feel like this. I gave a test in Algebra II yesterday, and I thought they were at least mostly ready, and I even let them use their notebooks because it was somewhat more challenging and I didn't want any excuses, and they still fussed the entire time they took the quiz. It's amazing how much all the students complain all day long. It's too cold, it's too hot, they don't have paper, or pencil, or their notebook, or they can't see, or someone has passed gas...I guess it's a typical classroom (I certainly hope not), but lord, it seems to get crazier every day. The students are really out of control... let's talk about today: first, right before 6th period, a group of girls decided to use the fire extinguisher. The hallway was filled with smoke and students were screaming and late to class. Of course. Then, during 6th period we had an assembly for Red Ribbon Week. It took close to 20 minutes to get everyone in there. The nurse had to repeatedly ask, "Teachers, please get your students seated." Our speaker opened up her speech by expressing how shocked she was with the students' poor behavior and disrespectfulness. The entire student body burst out laughing when a particular young lady came up to speak. I was disgusted.

What really gets to me is the lack of interest in learning a dang thing. I'm having a hard time differentiating my learning. I can't make learning fun because I'm not having any fun. They are driving me crazy, and it is showing. I feel like I have no support, and I have really no way to discipline. Yes, I could give detentions that most of them won't go to, and then if they don't go, they are supposed to be given a day's suspension, which most of them would respond with, "I'll take a day at home," with little or no remorse. While the nurse was up there trying to say her thank you's to all who helped and having hard time because students were talking, the principal sat in the back and did nothing. The kids really do run our school. The kids, and their parents.

I know I need to do more disciplining. But the thing is, I don't feel like I could have real consequences for my consequences. I've wondered why some of the other teachers have more control in their classrooms...but I'm not like Ms. R next door to me or Ms. H. down the hall. They are tough, they can be mean, and they even scare me. I don't and can't have that effect. That's not my style. I'm starting to think that I'm just "too nice" for this school. I hate to admit that I can't do this, but really, I think it's coming to that. I hate feeling unsuccessful, tired, and worn down almost every day. I know I must be doing a lot wrong.

I hope that this blog will be followed by a more optimistic one. But right now, I'm just ready for Thanksgiving.